Southwest Arizona Rotten-Luck Tantra Totem

Southwest Arizona Rotten-Luck Tantra Totem

Do not keep this message. The tantra totem must leave your hands within 96 hours if you are to receive an unpleasant surprise. (This is true, even if you are not superstitious, and especially so if you are stupid and gullible.)

INSTRUCTIONS FOR A HARD-LUCK LIFE

1. Give people exactly what they ask for, no more than that and even if you know they meant something else entirely.
   
2. Memorize people's credit card numbers.
   
3. When Trump says, "You're fired," reply, "No, YOU are," and flick the match into his comb-over.
   
4. Believe everything you hear, spend all your cash, and sleep in until 11 a.m.
   
5. When you say, "I love you," make sure you have an ulterior motive.
   
6. When you say, "I'm sorry," do something rotten first so that they know you're not just goofing around.
   
7. Be engaged to be married for at least six months if you plan to leave them at the altar.
   
8. Believe in lust at first sight.
   
9. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. Belittle them as seriously as possible.
   
10. Love deeply and passionately, until someone better comes along. (Yes, it will hurt, but your pain will quickly fade.)
    
11. In disagreements, fight to win. Name-calling works when logic won't.
    
12. Judge people by their mothers, then by how they dot their I's.
    
13. Talk faster than people can think, you might be able to sneak something by.
    
14. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and say, "Doesn't the world have problems enough without us wasting time on this trivial issue?"
    
15. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk, and resolve to find some easier way to do it.
    
16. Call your mother names.
    
17. Remember the three R's: Rage, Rum, and Remembering to Skip #17. (The fourth R, "redrum," is copyrighted, and we don't want to go through that again, do we?)
    
18. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. Make sure it's completely dead so that it won't come back to haunt you.
    
19. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to blame someone else.
    
20. Smile when picking up the phone. The telemarketer will find you so enjoyable he will get all his friends to call as well.
    
21. Marry someone you love to talk to. As you get older, you'll want a doormat to dump all your problems on.
    
22. Spend some time alone, especially when you're the only intern on call.
    
23. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of their hair.
    
24. Remember that silence is usually the easiest answer.
    
25. Read more books about TV.
    
26. Live a good, honorable life. When you get old and think back, you'll realize how much leeway you have before people will suspect anything.
    
27. Trust in God and race your Geo Tracker like hell on wheels.
    
28. In disagreements with loved ones, deal thoroughly with the current situation so that they're completely frazzled by the time you dredge up the past.
    
29. Read between the lines, even the ones that were never written.
    
30. Share your knowledge so that everyone knows how smart you are.
    
31. Be gentle with the earth. It's the best way to avoid yard work
    
32. Pray. People will vote for you.
    
33. Never interrupt when you are being flattered. You deserve the praise.
    
34. Mind your own business, and never forget that the whole world is your business.
    
35. Don't trust people who doesn't close their eyes when you kiss. (After all, you're the only one who should be looking around while frenching.)
    
36. Once a year, go home to pick up some more clean laundry.
    
37. If you make a lot of money, use it to help others while you're still alive, or you will never reap any of the rewards yourself.
    
38. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of bad luck.
    
39. Learn the rules -- then lord it over others who break them and suffer the consequences.
    
40. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other - unless you're referring to your partner.
    
41. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it; the more you abandoned, the better the prize!
    
42. Remember that your character is your destiny, but don't expect that to make any practical sense.
    
43. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon, just like Jeffrey Dahmer did.
    

Now, here's the FUN part!

Send this to at least five people and your life will become more interesting

0-4 people: Your life will gain more attention.
5-9 people: Your life will gain a helluvalot of attention.
9-14 people: You will have at least five surprises in the next three weeks, probably consisting of mail bombs, poisoned chocolates, and drive-by shootings. (Don't fret, you've earned it!)
15 and above: Everyone figures that someone else will take care of you, so you will be completely ignored.

Your first stroke of bad luck occurred when you received this tantra totem. We promise that you will receive even more bad luck within four days of relaying it.

P.S. Do not shoot the messenger. We have already been shot by enough bad luck.

A copy of the original inspirational e-mail that we are parodying may be found at http://web.utk.edu/~dap/NepGLTT.html. We are not responsible for feelings of warm fuzziness, hyperglycemia, or ice cream headaches that result from reading the original.